My Pretty
Jerry Johnson, a better friend now that he has done appropriate penance—watching Braveheart ten times and committing to drink only my homebrew

Urgent! Alert! Alert!
From:      The Wicked Witch of the East
To:          The Commander and Chief of the Monkey-Men|
Subject:  The Ruby Slippers

 

Dear Abaddon,

 

I have located the ruby slippers that are able to expand the power of my kingdom. Regrettably I do not have them in my possession. They were given as a free gift to a young girl named Dorothy. She is currently headed to the Great City of Oz. She must not be allowed to reach there alive! If she does, our reign of terror will be over. Earlier today I tried a frontal assault on the child, but there seemed to be a power protecting her which I cannot explain. I will lurk in the shadows, follow her on her journey and attempt to trick and deceive her. Unfortunately, in order to do this, I will be forced to exchange my beautiful image of wickedness for an appearance of light and my message to her will appear to be one of concern. Though I shall act as if I love this child, I must not let her know that I really hate her. You must prepare our soldiers for the final battle if I fail to convince her not to make the journey or if I am unable to trick her into taking another path. Listed below are the techniques I intend to use in order to deceive her. I you can think of any more ideas, I will consider them as well. I need not reiterate the importance of our success.

First, I am going to try to convince her that Oz does not exist. I shall introduce her to "vain philosophies" and seemingly well crafted arguments. After all, she has never seen Oz. In fact no one has. The ones who told her about the Great City have never been there themselves. If I can convince her that Oz is an illusion her quest will be over before it has even begun. And yet I am not thoroughly convinced that this approach will not cause her to give up on her journey. If I am unable to convince her that Oz does not exist, then I will introduce the idea that she misunderstood the description of Oz. I will reinterpret the meaning of Oz and even encourage her to let her imagination run wild. If I am able I will lead her to the belief that Oz is merely incorporeal and that she cannot find it by walking down a road...but that she must look within herself to find the true meaning of Oz. She must accept that she does not need to go to the Great City to find happiness and meaning but that she can only find joy and purpose in building her own city and constructing it to her own taste and after her own liking.

Perhaps I will try to get her to concentrate her thoughts on trivial things. Things that will take her mind off her task and yet make her think these are the things of importance in Oz. Maybe I can reduce the idea of Oz into catchy little slogans and worthless trinkets. My fear is, my wicked servant Abaddon, that she possesses a simple faith and as a result these maneuvers may not have their desired effect. She seems to literally believe what she has been told, but I am confident that I can at least confuse her.

Second, if I am unable to confuse or redirect the thoughts of her brain, I will strive to make her lose heart. I will tell her that Oz is not all it is made out to be - that instead of wasting her time and energy walking to the "promised land" she should focus on her needs in the here and now. After all, a young girl needs to be having fun! I will tell her that she is the only one making this journey. I will point out to her that she is the only one traveling on the road to Oz. Surely she cannot doubt the evidence of her own eyes. I will isolate her and tell her that the rest of the world thinks she is crazy. I will share with her that the few others who have gone this road have met with terrible hardships and that some have even died. If I can convince her that this task is too difficult then perhaps she will lose the vision. We know that what the Leader of the Great City says is true, "where there is no vision the people die." If this tactic does not have its immediate effect then maybe I can lull her into complacency, convincing her that she need not hurry...there will always be enough time to get to Oz. Perhaps I can even get her to lie down and fall asleep. Surely a young child should rest frequently. Or I can tell her that she is not worthy of Oz. That this journey of hers will be an exercise in futility because once she gets to the gates of the Great City she must prove to the Leader that she has worked diligently to get there. All of this will certainly make her think that this pilgrimage is impossible!

 

Finally, if all else fails and she insists on finishing what she has started, if all of my tricks and deceptions do not convince her to quit or take another road, then we must call on all our evil forces to come against her. She is a timid child fearful of everything. She does not have the courage to make this journey. We will terrorize and frighten her into turning back. We must persecute and afflict her with fears beyond her worst nightmares. We must call upon the worst of the worst from our kingdom of darkness. Screams must fill the night and shifting shadows from the forest must follow her in the dayas she travels. Not only must we come against her but also against those whom she knows and loves. And if all this does not convince her to turn back then we must kill her. Personally my cruel servant Abaddon, this plan is the one that most appeals to me. I would take great pleasure in seeing this innocent child die. We will rendezvous at the Valley and lie in wait for her. I think it would be a good idea to tell you what she looks like in case she reaches the Valley before I do. Dorothy looks fresh and clean without spot or wrinkle. She possesses an ugly goodness and a disgusting purity. Her righteousness is unavoidable. Believe me you will know her when you see her.

I still do not understand why I was unable to kill the child this morning, but I am sure that if we bring the full force of the hordes of hell against her she will be unable to stand. No one has survived this kind of assault. No one except the Leader of the Great City's Son. But surely Dorothy could not possess His power and strength. Could she?